Warning Signs & Safety Planning
Abuse often develops slowly, as a partner gains power and control in ways that can be hard to recognize at first. A safety plan gives you practical, personalized steps to stay safe, especially during moments of crisis or when preparing to leave, which is often the most dangerous time. DSVS highly reccomends that you utilize an advocate to help you with your safety plan.
DSVS Can Help
DSVS provides 100% free and confidential support to anyone who is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence, dating violence, sexual violence, or stalking in Carbon or Stillwater Counties.
Know the Signs
In the beginning of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will become abusive later on. In fact, many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship. The warning signs of abuse don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Every relationship is different, and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. However, one behavior shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control through many different methods at different moments.
Warning Signs
Even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present.
- Telling you that you never do anything right
- Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of others
- Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school
- Controlling finances in the household without discussion, such as taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses
- Pressuring you or forcing you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with
- Pressuring you or forcing you to use drugs or alcohol
- Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions
- Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
- Intimidating you with any weapon or object
- Destroying your belongings or your home
What is a Safety Plan?
A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. It includes information specific to you and your life that will increase your safety at school, home, and other places that you go on a daily basis. DSVS advocates can help you create a safety plan tailored to your circumstances and needs.
Creating a safety plan is a vital step when one is considering leaving an abusive partner. In doing so, this plan can help a survivor strategize what they will do to stay safe—and keep their children and pets safe—in the midst of abuse, be it to escape temporarily during an incident of violence or when they’re ready to leave their abuser for good.
Leaving an abusive partner is notoriously the most dangerous time for a survivor. As an abuser feels they are losing power over their victim, they can become increasingly more controlling, threatening, violent, or may even turn lethal.
DSVS highly recommends that you work with an advocate for your safety. Below are three steps to consider when you’re ready to create a safety plan.
Step 1: Assess Danger
Some survivors of domestic violence are rightly fearful that implementing the steps in a safety plan will place them more at risk with their abuser. After all, packing a bag or trying to find copies of important paperwork could raise suspicions with your abuser. As such, consider an order of protection as part of your safety planning. When you’re ready to leave, your abuser can be served with this order simultaneously, creating a legal disincentive for him or her from making contact with you while you find safety. DSVS can help you secure an order of protection.
Step 2: Find Your Advocate
You can read all about safety planning, but since your abuser is different than someone else’s abuser, and since you know him or her better than anyone, your safety plan will need to be customized to fit your unique scenario. You know what time of day will be safest to leave, a place you can go where he or she won’t be able to find you and what steps you need to put in place beforehand—such as acquiring an order of protection, or making sure your child’s school is aware of the situation—in order to ensure safety after you leave.
But in the midst of such stress, it can help to not go at this alone. A DSVS advocate can help you sort through everything you need to do and plan for to create a safety plan that makes the most sense for your unique circumstances.
Step 3: Plan for All Possibilities
Safety plans need to take into consideration all aspects a survivor is dealing with. DSVS highly recommends that you work with an advocate for your safety. Below are some different variations of safety planning to consider:
Children: If there are children in the home, safety plan with them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers up safety plan tips when children are involved. Among them, teach them to never intervene during a violent incident and make up a code word you can use when they need to leave the home because of violence.
Pets: In “Planning for Pets’ Safety,” we tell you how to establish custody of your pets and what to pack in your safety kit that you may need for your furry family members.
Disabilities: The National Clearinghouse on Abuse Later in Life has created a safety planning guide for individuals with physical disabilities.
Teens/College Students: LoveisRespect.org has created comprehensive safety plans both for teens and for college students who are currently dealing with an abusive partner.
Pre-Packing: Finally, when packing a bag, consider including some or most of these 32 things that advocates say you may need once you leave. It’s important you keep this bag in a place where your abuser wouldn’t look for it, such as at a friend's or neighbor’s home or at your place of work.
Barriers to Leaving
No matter the circumstances, survivors deserve to be supported in their decision-making and empowered to reclaim control over their own lives.
Some common reasons why people stay in abusive relationships include:
Fear
A person will likely be afraid of the consequences if they decide to leave their relationship. This could be fear of their partner’s actions, like violence, outing their sexual identity or legal status, or concern over their own ability to be independent, among others.
Lack of resources
Survivors may be financially dependent on their abusive partner or have previously been denied opportunities to work, a place to sleep on their own, language assistance, or a network to turn to during moments of crisis. These factors can make it seem impossible for someone to leave an abusive situation.
Children
Many survivors may feel guilty or responsible for disrupting their familial unit. Keeping the family together may not only be something that a survivor may value but may also be used as a tactic by their partner to guilt a survivor into staying.
Normalized abuse
If someone grew up in an environment where abuse was common, they may not know what healthy relationships look like. As a result, they may not recognize that their partner’s behaviors are unhealthy or abusive.
Shame
It can be difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been or are being abused. They may feel that they’ve done something wrong, that they deserve the abuse, or that experiencing abuse is a sign of weakness. Remember that blame-shifting is a common tactic that their partner may use and can reinforce a sense of responsibility for their partner’s abusive behaviors.
Disability
If someone depends on other people for physical support, they may feel that their well-being is directly tied to their relationship. A lack of visible alternatives for support can heavily influence someone’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship if they have a disability.
Cultural context
Traditional customs or beliefs may influence someone’s decision to stay in an abusive situation, whether held by the survivor or by their family and community.
Low self-esteem
After experiencing verbal abuse or blame for physical abuse, it can be easy for survivors to believe those sentiments. They may believe that they’re at fault for their partner’s abusive behaviors.
Love
Experiencing abuse and feeling genuine care for a partner who is causing harm are not mutually exclusive. Survivors often still have strong, intimate feelings for their abusive partner. They may have children together, want to maintain their family, or the person abusing them may simply be charming (especially at the beginning of a relationship) and the survivor may hope that their partner will return to being that person.
